Thursday, August 27, 2015

Twentyone



Being 21 you're expected to be so much more than who you really are.

At 12, I expected that being 21 would make you an adult who'd know it all. At 14, I expected me to get myself together by 21, no longer having to fight depression & negativity. At 16, I expected and was dying to taste freedom once I turn 21; no longer bound by curfews and rules. At 18, I expected to learn independence when I turn 21, in any way possible. At 20, I expected any 21 year old to stop behaving like a child.

I expected all that I could expect anyone to expect of a 21 year old. Now that I've turned 21, I'd scoff because I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be. Yeah, at age 21 I may have my horizons broadened immeasurably in unimaginable ways, but that's that. But I'm still as inexperienced as when I was 12, desolate as I was 14, restricted as I was 16, reliant as I was 18, and playful just as I still was at 20.

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I've never fancied the idea of having birthday parties. I hate attending parties. Most of the time I'd be at a party being awkward (gosh I don't even know where to start. Socializing is an absolute chore) and wondering why was I even invited. Maybe just to add to the birthday girl's/boy's list of invitees, painting the illusion and assuring him/her of his/her "popularity"? Whatever, I don't care. If it pleases you then go ahead. I'd always be found hiding at the back with my own group of close friends feeling out of place as I do. Well but this only happens at acquaints' parties. If it was the party of anyone of my main squad's, we'd totally be owning it.

And yeah, this is why I never wanted to throw a party for my 21st. I just don't understand why should I have one when as contradictory as it sounds (because I love performing on stage), I hate being the center of attention? Why should my friends spend many days racking their brains deciding on the perfect gift for my 21st? Who am I to deserve my best friends who'd spend months organizing my party? Sadly mama would never understand. I wished she did though, and since throwing a party would send her to cloud nine I ditched my Plan A to travel solo overseas on my 21st birthday, just to have a party for her hoping that fulfilling her intense desire will help her cope with the loss of her mother better.

So I had a small, personal party, to celebrate my personal event with my personal friends (and family, of course). With people whom I know that wouldn't mind traveling from the moon and back for my party because they love me. And these people definitely have to be people I love too. Well of course there's exception right... E.g., I had to invite this person because otherwise another person will be alone and stuff, just for the sake of avoiding possible conflicts. Yknow what I mean? And if anyone asked, I'd tell them directly what I wanted for my 21st present, because that'll save them a hell lot of trouble and time. So in case you're judging me, HOLD YO ASS UP. I was doing my friends a huge favour mind you.

During the whole course of the preparation of my party I silenced all my friends who were invited LOL. I made sure they keep my party a top secret until it's over because the last thing I want was people coming up to me asking "Why you never invite me?". Gosh I can't stand such unabashed dimwits like that!!!!! And during my party I wanted to make sure nobody was awkward. Since I can't entertain everyone at the same time, I really really really hope the jamming, xbox kinect and card games helped me do the job instead. I hope everyone that came had fun.

To all who came: thank you for coming
To all who didn't because you had a reason and I know you love me: I still love you too
To all who didn't because I didn't matter much to you: I don't really give a hoot, it doesn't bother me.

Happy birthday to me. 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

About you.



Truth is, it's about you.

How do I come clean when you asked;
when just being concerned only serves as your justification;
when the grass to you is greener on the other side;
when I get cut each time I try to fix the pieces;

Deceive me into thinking I can.

When the truth is, I can't.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Cry in my heart



There's a cry in my heart 
For Your glory to fall 
For Your presence to fill up my senses

Sipping on a large cup of tea to keep awake and to help get myself together because the nights so far seem awfully long and I've been spending them thinking of how things should've been before falling into a short, deep slumber after immersing in hopelessness. I have believed in a charade and lived in a lie. I can't believe how unexpectedly stupid, gullible and foolish I was, and still am.

Nothing's making any sense to me now.